Work stuff

Well, work is going to blow..

I had to go "apply" for the job I already have today. Makes no sense does it.

Okay I work for Washington Community Schools (at least until july 1st)  I work at Griffith Elementary in the kitchen. Well for some reason, the big wigs at the central office decided that we needed to be outsourced. Just the kitchen staff and custodial. SOOO today we had to go fill out applications, turn in paper work, etc. And they say they will be contacting us for a 2 or 3 day training session before school starts back up. I am not impressed with their ideas. I guess as a student, It would be exciting. Not as the cook. We are not used to having to make more than one entree' and guess what, we now have to offer two for breakfast AND lunch. Like wtf? These little kids can't even choose (in a timely manor) between chocolate, strawberry, or white milk. For crying out loud now they wanna give them more food options. Oh and we also will have a fresh salad bar everyday. Really? These kids throw away more lettuce than they eat!!! Not to mention, the TIME this is gonna take to prepare. I guess we will all have to say goodbye to our breaks. Each of us can only work for 6 hours a day so I am not sure how this is going to work. Two entrees for breakfast will bring Vicky (my boss) in earlier in the mornings along with one of us girls probably. So that girl will have to clock out way before we are done serving lunch. Just sounds like chaos to me right now.

I did enjoy seeing my ladies that I work with today though. Haven't seen them since our meeting the day after school ended for the summer. I just love my girls. We fight like crazy in that kitchen but they are my family and I would do anything for any one of them. I am hoping we are all able to handle this because I don't want to see anyone quit. 

Oh and you know how I said that my period this month was super light because of the last round of clomid? Well I woke up this morning (cycle day 4) with horrible back pain and cramps, and an extremely heavy flow. Like what the crap is my body doing?!!?!? I just don't know what to expect since taking this darn med. Like I said, it's no joke. I am waiting on my ovaries to explode out of my body.

This had better work.

I'm gonna attempt to go to bed now if I can sleep through the cramping bullcrap lol 

Goodly night!

Today is a better day..

Got up early and received Kati's kids. I babysit them for a summer job since I am not working and they are not in school. I ran Kennedy to her Volleyball camp around 9:45 and then ran some errands and came back home. Me and the boys secretly put our swimsuits on under out clothes because we planned to go to the pool after K got out of camp. I say "secretly" because Lucy knows what the swimsuits mean. I don't much like to take her to the city pool because of her lack of fear. So I plan to get her and Quinn a baby pool to set up in my parents shady garage. In the mean time, it sucks to hide this from her and I feel bad because she badly wants to go. But I know it's better for her if she doesn't. I do plan to take her at some point.

We got Season passes to the pool this year. First year we've done it. I figured, why not? We go anyway and if we go 10 times, we've gotten our money's worth. Plus I usually go with my friend Sarah, and we sit there and have girl gab fest while the kids play. So it's pretty fun. 

 Marli in front, pouting. Kennedy behind her.

 Zach still doesn't know how to swim so he wears a life jacket a lot. Today he got brave and took it off. Then figured out he could touch lol. He's a goof. 

Also, I have decided that I need to lose some weight. I am currently somewhere over 200lbs and the heaviest I have ever been. Okay, I didn't just decide I needed to lose weight but I did just decide to finally stop avoiding the issue and tackle it. So I signed up under a friend of mine who is a beach body coach. Ashley. She helped me pick out a challenge package that contains shakes, videos of work outs, and portion control containers for food, along with recipies and stuff. She said she has lost 20lbs and that is my goal. I feel like a lot of my infertility is due to my weight. And well, my age too but there is nothing I can do about that sadly. I say it like its a bad thing but honestly I am only 32 years old and last I checked, that's not old. But I guess I just feel it more than I did even a year ago. Getting older scares me. But that's for another blog, another time.

SO, hopefully this Beach Body thing will be something that at least gets me on the right track. I know I can't afford monthly but I feel like if I can do a months worth, I can go from there on my own. Just need a little help getting started.

Also I am totally ticked off at my show, Orange Is The New Black.

This show only drops new episodes once a year and so for a year now I have to wonder what happens to the inmates after they riot because of Poussay's death! And going back, why did they kill her off anyway?? She was one of my favorites. I am so upset by that. But my shows always do this.

Currently I'm annoyed with The Walking Dead and how they left things. -insert angry emoji here-

Well Aaron's home and I gotta get supper! More later.

Undeserved blessings

I think a second blog of the night is in order because, well, I told the story of where we are now in my journey to become a mom of 3, but I haven't really explained where I am emotionally. 

Emotionally, I am a wreck. So much so that I want to delete my Facebook until I A. Become pregnant and don't care to see all the new happy pregnancy announcements because HEY, I'm pregnant too! Or B. Come to terms with the fact that I cannot carry another child and can be 100% sincerely and truthfully happy for all these lucky women who are given the gift I so badly want for myself.

Both sound selfish. I don't care. 

You know what really honestly just pisses me off to no end right now? These phrases..

- Stay Positive

- Just give up and you'll get pregnant

-Everything happens for a reason

-God has a reason for everything

-Relax

and my personal favorites..

-If it's meant to be, it'll happen

-you have two beautiful children already

All of those have been told to me by these women in their 20's who have never had to try so hard, are currently pregnant or just had a child, and just don't have a single clue what it is to go through infertility. 

The other day I was introduced to a term that I didn't even know existed. That Term is Secondary Infertility. 

Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.

So there you have it. But it's apparently not widely known or maybe I would have known about it. 

OR

Maybe I just never thought it could happen to me so how could I know? I have taken my body for granted. I thought that since I had two kids, I could always have more. I never paid attention to infertility. I had friends going through it but I never imagined I would be going through it myself. Yes I do have two adorable, beautiful and precious children. I am aware of that and extremely thankful to God. Perhaps people think I'm being a whiny brat because, here I have two kids and I don't seem appreciative of that. I know people are thinking exactly that. But that's wrong. My two kid's are my light and my world. And if anything, this journey of infertility has made me appreciate them MORE. I may not be blessed with another baby. I may have this hole in my heart next to the two that my children have filled for the rest of my life, but I never will forget that God gave me two amazing gifts in them.

My thinking is just that I want another little human to love. I want the midnight feedings again. The skin to skin moments. The spit ups, the coo's, the little smiles, the tiny hands and tiny feet. I want a reason to put baby equipment in the house again. I want another one to watch grow. Another one to look like me, or Aaron, or a mix of us both like Lucy does. I want Lucy to experience being a big sister. And I want Zach to experience the baby stage again because I believe it's his absolute favorite time. The kid has a heart of gold for babies.

I want the insomnia from the baby kicking me from the inside. I want to feel them jump when they hiccup inside me. I want to see them on the ultrasound flopping around as they grow and watch them have less and less room from one sonogram to the next. I want the excitement of each OB visit. I want the excitement and frustration at the end when I know its time but i've only dialted 1 cm and I've been that way for weeks. Yes, I even want that irritation. I want to experience it all again because that's what I was put here to do! Be a mother. Some people are put here to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc. I was put here to carry a child, birth a child, and raise that child. AND yes even though labor and delivery sucks ass, I want to go through it all again. 

Then you have these women who don't deserve babies, getting themselves knocked up and being unable to raise them. Then CPS removes the children from their care and they resume their lifestyles of drugs, alcohol, partying, WHATEVER...

Wait, I say resume as if they had ever stopped, but actually, they didn't. Which is why they're kids get taken away by the state. But it's okay to them because they can just go get knocked up by other random dudes and the cycle persists.

Then you have these other ladies who I do believe are good mamas, but like me, take their bodies for granted because they have yet, if ever, to experience this soul crushing condition. Girls in their 20s getting pregnant over and over. They even have the nerve to tell me to relax and think positive. 

PISS ON YOU ALL!

God forbid this ever happen to any of you. You have no idea what i'm going though. You are currently pregnant or just had a baby. What do you know???

Anyway,

I have to get to bed. Aaron has asked me to cuddle him. 

More tomorrow. 

Very long update

It's seriously been 4 years since I've updated this blog. Crazy! SO much has happened. Last time I wrote was December of 2012. 

It's now 2016

I am not sure why I stopped. But I realized tonight that I need to get started again. Aside from my husband, I don't feel like I have someone I can really share my true, raw feelings with. And I feel like I'm just bothering anyone when I try. A lot has got me down. We are trying for baby number 3 and have been for a year today.

I guess first I should take this back to 2013. We had baby number number 2, Lucy, on November 1, 2013. Zach was 5 and a half years old and he loved her from the start. 

She is now a feisty, stubborn and beautiful 2 year old diva.

Just look at her. She makes my heart smile. Even if she is the biggest spoiled princess ever.

But anyway, she came into our lives and I swore I was done having kids because my labor/delivery with her sucked worse than Zach's by a million!

They say you forget the pain once they are here. I was sure I never would and I was done...

But I did forget. 

Fast forward to summer of 2015 and we decide we are actually wanting another child. I am ready to go for it because hey, i'm 31 (at the time) and not getting any younger. So June 19, 2015 I go to the OBGYN and ask them to remove my IUD (Mirena) and they oblige. And they say "maybe we will see you in a month!" and I excitedly leave the office and am raring to go! 

A year goes by and now here we are. June 19, 2016. Baby number 3 is not here. We have tried and tried. Every month for a year I have sat down and pee'd on a stick only to be confronted by a gut wrenching negative sign. Every. Single. Month.  I have tracked my periods, ovulation, etc. Nothing. I decided a month ago to visit my OB again and tell them the problem. They do blood work. At the time I am within' the dreaded " 2 week wait " where you are between ovulation and your next period. Where you are not sure whether you fertilized that egg yet or if you're period is gonna show up to disappoint you again. So as I said, they took blood. A few days later, they called and told me that my progesterone levels were not where they should be for where I was in my cycle. I had some condition, though for the life of me, I can't remember what it is right now. But I guess I should have had a higher number at the time and didn't. 
Anyway she tells me I also do not ovulate mature eggs. And when I do ovulate, it doesn't last long. So she prescribes me "Clomid"...

Clomid (clomiphene) is a non-steroidal fertility medicine. It causes the pituitary gland to release hormones needed to stimulate ovulation (the release of an egg from the ovary).

In lamen's terms, Clomid helps produce mature eggs. 

So I wait around for my period to start and let me just say, I have never wanted aunt flow to visit as much as I did then. I waited for days. Usually around the 14th of the month she visits. But that damn hussy mother nature made me wait an extra 3 days and finally made her appearance on the 17th of the month. Go Figure! 

On Cycle day 3, I took the first dose of clomid. 

Let me tell you, this stuff is no joke. You feel like a crazy mad woman all 5 days you take it. Next time I take it, and sadly there will be a next time because spoiler alert, it didnt work the first time} I will be sure to lock myself in a room alone. Aside from the mood swings, you sweat like crazy from hot flashes, you get monster headaches, and OH, when you do ovulate, you know it by the painful cramping you get!

Well to make an already long ass story short. It didn't work. At least I don't think it worked. I have begun to bleed but its a very light bleed that only mostly shows up when I wipe. And while this could be implantation bleeding, I don't think that's it. I took a pregnancy test and it was a big fat ... you guessed it..negative! Another negative test. I think its the clomid messing with me. Cause from what I have read, it thins the lining of the uterus. THUS having less to shed, THUS making my period light as HELL, THUS confusing me and making me feel even more shitty. Yeah, I'm calling my doc tomorrow. 

I feel like this blog is hella long so i'm gonna end it right here. Maybe i'll write more later.