Work stuff

Well, work is going to blow..

I had to go "apply" for the job I already have today. Makes no sense does it.

Okay I work for Washington Community Schools (at least until july 1st)  I work at Griffith Elementary in the kitchen. Well for some reason, the big wigs at the central office decided that we needed to be outsourced. Just the kitchen staff and custodial. SOOO today we had to go fill out applications, turn in paper work, etc. And they say they will be contacting us for a 2 or 3 day training session before school starts back up. I am not impressed with their ideas. I guess as a student, It would be exciting. Not as the cook. We are not used to having to make more than one entree' and guess what, we now have to offer two for breakfast AND lunch. Like wtf? These little kids can't even choose (in a timely manor) between chocolate, strawberry, or white milk. For crying out loud now they wanna give them more food options. Oh and we also will have a fresh salad bar everyday. Really? These kids throw away more lettuce than they eat!!! Not to mention, the TIME this is gonna take to prepare. I guess we will all have to say goodbye to our breaks. Each of us can only work for 6 hours a day so I am not sure how this is going to work. Two entrees for breakfast will bring Vicky (my boss) in earlier in the mornings along with one of us girls probably. So that girl will have to clock out way before we are done serving lunch. Just sounds like chaos to me right now.

I did enjoy seeing my ladies that I work with today though. Haven't seen them since our meeting the day after school ended for the summer. I just love my girls. We fight like crazy in that kitchen but they are my family and I would do anything for any one of them. I am hoping we are all able to handle this because I don't want to see anyone quit. 

Oh and you know how I said that my period this month was super light because of the last round of clomid? Well I woke up this morning (cycle day 4) with horrible back pain and cramps, and an extremely heavy flow. Like what the crap is my body doing?!!?!? I just don't know what to expect since taking this darn med. Like I said, it's no joke. I am waiting on my ovaries to explode out of my body.

This had better work.

I'm gonna attempt to go to bed now if I can sleep through the cramping bullcrap lol 

Goodly night!

Today is a better day..

Got up early and received Kati's kids. I babysit them for a summer job since I am not working and they are not in school. I ran Kennedy to her Volleyball camp around 9:45 and then ran some errands and came back home. Me and the boys secretly put our swimsuits on under out clothes because we planned to go to the pool after K got out of camp. I say "secretly" because Lucy knows what the swimsuits mean. I don't much like to take her to the city pool because of her lack of fear. So I plan to get her and Quinn a baby pool to set up in my parents shady garage. In the mean time, it sucks to hide this from her and I feel bad because she badly wants to go. But I know it's better for her if she doesn't. I do plan to take her at some point.

We got Season passes to the pool this year. First year we've done it. I figured, why not? We go anyway and if we go 10 times, we've gotten our money's worth. Plus I usually go with my friend Sarah, and we sit there and have girl gab fest while the kids play. So it's pretty fun. 

 Marli in front, pouting. Kennedy behind her.

 Zach still doesn't know how to swim so he wears a life jacket a lot. Today he got brave and took it off. Then figured out he could touch lol. He's a goof. 

Also, I have decided that I need to lose some weight. I am currently somewhere over 200lbs and the heaviest I have ever been. Okay, I didn't just decide I needed to lose weight but I did just decide to finally stop avoiding the issue and tackle it. So I signed up under a friend of mine who is a beach body coach. Ashley. She helped me pick out a challenge package that contains shakes, videos of work outs, and portion control containers for food, along with recipies and stuff. She said she has lost 20lbs and that is my goal. I feel like a lot of my infertility is due to my weight. And well, my age too but there is nothing I can do about that sadly. I say it like its a bad thing but honestly I am only 32 years old and last I checked, that's not old. But I guess I just feel it more than I did even a year ago. Getting older scares me. But that's for another blog, another time.

SO, hopefully this Beach Body thing will be something that at least gets me on the right track. I know I can't afford monthly but I feel like if I can do a months worth, I can go from there on my own. Just need a little help getting started.

Also I am totally ticked off at my show, Orange Is The New Black.

This show only drops new episodes once a year and so for a year now I have to wonder what happens to the inmates after they riot because of Poussay's death! And going back, why did they kill her off anyway?? She was one of my favorites. I am so upset by that. But my shows always do this.

Currently I'm annoyed with The Walking Dead and how they left things. -insert angry emoji here-

Well Aaron's home and I gotta get supper! More later.

Undeserved blessings

I think a second blog of the night is in order because, well, I told the story of where we are now in my journey to become a mom of 3, but I haven't really explained where I am emotionally. 

Emotionally, I am a wreck. So much so that I want to delete my Facebook until I A. Become pregnant and don't care to see all the new happy pregnancy announcements because HEY, I'm pregnant too! Or B. Come to terms with the fact that I cannot carry another child and can be 100% sincerely and truthfully happy for all these lucky women who are given the gift I so badly want for myself.

Both sound selfish. I don't care. 

You know what really honestly just pisses me off to no end right now? These phrases..

- Stay Positive

- Just give up and you'll get pregnant

-Everything happens for a reason

-God has a reason for everything

-Relax

and my personal favorites..

-If it's meant to be, it'll happen

-you have two beautiful children already

All of those have been told to me by these women in their 20's who have never had to try so hard, are currently pregnant or just had a child, and just don't have a single clue what it is to go through infertility. 

The other day I was introduced to a term that I didn't even know existed. That Term is Secondary Infertility. 

Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.

So there you have it. But it's apparently not widely known or maybe I would have known about it. 

OR

Maybe I just never thought it could happen to me so how could I know? I have taken my body for granted. I thought that since I had two kids, I could always have more. I never paid attention to infertility. I had friends going through it but I never imagined I would be going through it myself. Yes I do have two adorable, beautiful and precious children. I am aware of that and extremely thankful to God. Perhaps people think I'm being a whiny brat because, here I have two kids and I don't seem appreciative of that. I know people are thinking exactly that. But that's wrong. My two kid's are my light and my world. And if anything, this journey of infertility has made me appreciate them MORE. I may not be blessed with another baby. I may have this hole in my heart next to the two that my children have filled for the rest of my life, but I never will forget that God gave me two amazing gifts in them.

My thinking is just that I want another little human to love. I want the midnight feedings again. The skin to skin moments. The spit ups, the coo's, the little smiles, the tiny hands and tiny feet. I want a reason to put baby equipment in the house again. I want another one to watch grow. Another one to look like me, or Aaron, or a mix of us both like Lucy does. I want Lucy to experience being a big sister. And I want Zach to experience the baby stage again because I believe it's his absolute favorite time. The kid has a heart of gold for babies.

I want the insomnia from the baby kicking me from the inside. I want to feel them jump when they hiccup inside me. I want to see them on the ultrasound flopping around as they grow and watch them have less and less room from one sonogram to the next. I want the excitement of each OB visit. I want the excitement and frustration at the end when I know its time but i've only dialted 1 cm and I've been that way for weeks. Yes, I even want that irritation. I want to experience it all again because that's what I was put here to do! Be a mother. Some people are put here to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc. I was put here to carry a child, birth a child, and raise that child. AND yes even though labor and delivery sucks ass, I want to go through it all again. 

Then you have these women who don't deserve babies, getting themselves knocked up and being unable to raise them. Then CPS removes the children from their care and they resume their lifestyles of drugs, alcohol, partying, WHATEVER...

Wait, I say resume as if they had ever stopped, but actually, they didn't. Which is why they're kids get taken away by the state. But it's okay to them because they can just go get knocked up by other random dudes and the cycle persists.

Then you have these other ladies who I do believe are good mamas, but like me, take their bodies for granted because they have yet, if ever, to experience this soul crushing condition. Girls in their 20s getting pregnant over and over. They even have the nerve to tell me to relax and think positive. 

PISS ON YOU ALL!

God forbid this ever happen to any of you. You have no idea what i'm going though. You are currently pregnant or just had a baby. What do you know???

Anyway,

I have to get to bed. Aaron has asked me to cuddle him. 

More tomorrow. 

Very long update

It's seriously been 4 years since I've updated this blog. Crazy! SO much has happened. Last time I wrote was December of 2012. 

It's now 2016

I am not sure why I stopped. But I realized tonight that I need to get started again. Aside from my husband, I don't feel like I have someone I can really share my true, raw feelings with. And I feel like I'm just bothering anyone when I try. A lot has got me down. We are trying for baby number 3 and have been for a year today.

I guess first I should take this back to 2013. We had baby number number 2, Lucy, on November 1, 2013. Zach was 5 and a half years old and he loved her from the start. 

She is now a feisty, stubborn and beautiful 2 year old diva.

Just look at her. She makes my heart smile. Even if she is the biggest spoiled princess ever.

But anyway, she came into our lives and I swore I was done having kids because my labor/delivery with her sucked worse than Zach's by a million!

They say you forget the pain once they are here. I was sure I never would and I was done...

But I did forget. 

Fast forward to summer of 2015 and we decide we are actually wanting another child. I am ready to go for it because hey, i'm 31 (at the time) and not getting any younger. So June 19, 2015 I go to the OBGYN and ask them to remove my IUD (Mirena) and they oblige. And they say "maybe we will see you in a month!" and I excitedly leave the office and am raring to go! 

A year goes by and now here we are. June 19, 2016. Baby number 3 is not here. We have tried and tried. Every month for a year I have sat down and pee'd on a stick only to be confronted by a gut wrenching negative sign. Every. Single. Month.  I have tracked my periods, ovulation, etc. Nothing. I decided a month ago to visit my OB again and tell them the problem. They do blood work. At the time I am within' the dreaded " 2 week wait " where you are between ovulation and your next period. Where you are not sure whether you fertilized that egg yet or if you're period is gonna show up to disappoint you again. So as I said, they took blood. A few days later, they called and told me that my progesterone levels were not where they should be for where I was in my cycle. I had some condition, though for the life of me, I can't remember what it is right now. But I guess I should have had a higher number at the time and didn't. 
Anyway she tells me I also do not ovulate mature eggs. And when I do ovulate, it doesn't last long. So she prescribes me "Clomid"...

Clomid (clomiphene) is a non-steroidal fertility medicine. It causes the pituitary gland to release hormones needed to stimulate ovulation (the release of an egg from the ovary).

In lamen's terms, Clomid helps produce mature eggs. 

So I wait around for my period to start and let me just say, I have never wanted aunt flow to visit as much as I did then. I waited for days. Usually around the 14th of the month she visits. But that damn hussy mother nature made me wait an extra 3 days and finally made her appearance on the 17th of the month. Go Figure! 

On Cycle day 3, I took the first dose of clomid. 

Let me tell you, this stuff is no joke. You feel like a crazy mad woman all 5 days you take it. Next time I take it, and sadly there will be a next time because spoiler alert, it didnt work the first time} I will be sure to lock myself in a room alone. Aside from the mood swings, you sweat like crazy from hot flashes, you get monster headaches, and OH, when you do ovulate, you know it by the painful cramping you get!

Well to make an already long ass story short. It didn't work. At least I don't think it worked. I have begun to bleed but its a very light bleed that only mostly shows up when I wipe. And while this could be implantation bleeding, I don't think that's it. I took a pregnancy test and it was a big fat ... you guessed it..negative! Another negative test. I think its the clomid messing with me. Cause from what I have read, it thins the lining of the uterus. THUS having less to shed, THUS making my period light as HELL, THUS confusing me and making me feel even more shitty. Yeah, I'm calling my doc tomorrow. 

I feel like this blog is hella long so i'm gonna end it right here. Maybe i'll write more later.

Christmas happenings!

Okay so it's been a few days since I've blogged. I have gotten rather side-tracked because my Skank friends and I have created a beautiful facebook group lol. It's called "Skanks Inc" and I know so many people just don't get it. Well, you don't have to. It's an inside thing lol 

Anyway, we had a wonderful Christmas. It is hands down my favorite holiday. I hate the financial issue part of it. I never have much money, no matter how hard my hubby and I work all year long. We are managing to stay pretty even though. Our savings haven't gone up at all, but they haven't gone down either. We are just maintaining a balance. As long as we don't go on any shopping spree's, we are fine. Which is what our problem was for Christmas. I am so very thankful though that we are at least staying afloat. Even if it is just barely.

Christmas Eve was really fun. We went over to Uncle Charlie's for our annual Christmas Eve gathering. It's always a good time. This year, we played Christmas Bingo. Even the kids got to play and we had prizes for all ages. All the kids won at least once. 

Zachy won this spin brush as a prize in bingo

 This was by far the best gift ever lol. Thanks to my sister for paying attention the day that I posted a link to this product on my facebook.

 

My sister-in-law and I did not plan this. We showed up wearing the exact same shirt.

 My cousin, Ryan, was in rare form that day. He had me about in tears from laughter a couple times. Here he is with my Uncle Charlie (his dad) trying to clean up the kitchen after we ate. They were in some type of amazement over the Christmas Press N Seal paper lol

Mom wanted a pictures of her and dad with their kids, and then just one of their kids. So we got together and took so cute ones! 

^^  I'm gonna try and get this one framed for mom ^^

 Then of course, we had to show our true colors!

 Christmas Day, me and Zachy got up before Aaron and I let Zach open his gifts because if we would have waited on Aaron, Zach wouldn't have gotten to play with them at ALL before going to his daddy's. Aaron had stayed up til like 6am. You can't do that when you have a kiddo on Christmas Eve! Lol

Zach leaves fudge and cookies for Santa, before he goes to bed.

This is after Santa came. 

 He loved his new Furby

He got this imaginex castle.

Then went to Mom's after that and had Christmas there with Grandma, Mom, Dad, Kati, and Tommy. 

 Kati actually had this on their wedding registry. Who does that? Kati does. The girl is to funny.

 Tommy and Aaron with their favorite game shirts. 

Best picture of the day, hands down. Never a dull moment in this family. 

So later on Christmas night, mom was admitted to the hospital after waking up from a nap with a fever of 105. She has cellulites (sp?) and has been there since that day. She is still there. Not getting any worse, but def not getting any better. Her body is not responding to the antibiotics, so they are giving her something else. At first I thought it was a staph infection, but it's not. However, it could very easily turn into one, and since her knee was replaced, and is a foreign body part, they are worried about it developing there as well. SO everyone just please keep mom in your prayers. She has to be able to make it to Kati and Tommy's wedding on Saturday. Fingers crossed and praying like crazy!

Until next time!

Stupid girls

So, I'm pretty bored right now. I figure because of that, I'll blog. But, i'm not sure what about. I've had a pretty uneventful couple of days. Well, kind of..

Yesterday some ho bag in Aaron's family, his cousin, decided to pick a fight. She made a very rude comment on a photo of mine. (Talking to Aaron) " Why don't you ask your wife if she had to have her dress custom made for your wedding. I didn't know Wedding dresses came in that big of a size" . .or something along those lines. Bitch. I tell you what, she is lucky she was at a decent distance from me, cause I would have shown her just how "big" I am had she been in front of me. I don't usually like to threaten to kick someone's ass because i'm a mom and wouldn't wanna be thrown in Jail and have to spend time away from my son. Plus, that is just something my ex husband could hold against me if he ever tried to go for custody. But man she had me pissed off enough that I would have totally tore her apart. After crying for about 20 minutes, and a pep talk from my wonderful, loving husband, I felt better and I told her what I thought of her. This is how our convo went.. (Please, bare in mind, she called me fat. I don't take well to that and Some of the things I said might have been inappropriate.

Laurie Houchin
Excuse me but I don't know who the hell you think you are, talking about me like that. You don't know me, and I don't know you and after that harsh comment about me, I am glad I don't! I may not be some anorexic looking little twig bitch but at least I have a heart and i'm not a bitch about people I don't know. I never did or said a bad thing about you. Infact, pretty sure I told Aaron to knock it off, did I not? So take your fucking cunt ass back to where you came from and don't YOU EVER let me catch you out in person!

Thanks Bitch.

Cecilia Spainhour
Nothing against you I love u. I'm pissed off at Aaron for talking trash about my boyfriend Mike who he's never even met. I don't judge anybody and I gave Aaron a taste of his own medicine.
Say what you want about me. Your not gonna hurt my feelings. You know you I didn't mean what I said about you. But Aaron needs to learn respect!!!!

Laurie Houchin
You said quite a few things on our pictures that I now know were rude and hurtful. And nothing less than that. You don't attack someone by putting down someone ELSE in their life. Nothing against me?! PLEASE! You totally attacked my personal appearance and that is WRONG! I don't care that you try to teach Aaron a lesson, you don't need to be involving ME in it!! You don't know the struggles i've gone through with my weight gain and you don't know the reasons behind it. Nor do you know the self esteem problems I have. So thanks, but no thanks. Your apology is not accepted. Leave me alone.

Cecilia Spainhour
I don't like drama so I'd rather just not be apart of Aaron's life if he's going to continue to talk trash about someone I love very much. I apologize that's not who I am. So lets just leave it at that


Okay, in reference to her saying "Nothing against you I love u" HOW the heck could you "love" someone you have never laid eyes on in person? She sounds totally messed up to me. And how the heck does "nothing against you" fit in a subject matter where she attacked MY personal appearance? YEAH, that was DEFINATELY against me. Slut.

Okay, well. I think i've vented about this hag long enough. I am just so thankful that Aaron was there to pick up the pieces after she crushed my self-esteem. He told me that i'm stunning and gorgeous no matter what. Definately NOT something my ex husband would have said to me. He always told me that i'm not any of that. I love Aaron and i'm so thankful to have him.

It's been awhile.

I've had this account for about two years. I used to blog all the time. Not sure what stopped me. Life I suppose. There's been times where I'm sure blogging would have helped me get through the struggles. And boy since I started this and stopped forever ago, there have been many struggles.

I was 26 when I stopped blogging. Single mother to my one year old, Zach. He is now a healthy 4 year old big boy. Well, he refers to himself as a big boy. He likes to remind me of it every time I try to dress him, or get him a drink, or even walk him down the street. He amazes me everyday with the things he has begun to take in. Some things that come out of his mouth, floor me, to say the least. He talks non stop at home. Around people he doesn't know very well though, he becomes shy. He is my little gift from God. I didn't get much out of my first marriage. It wasn't a happy one. But I did get the best little boy out of it.

Jason and I divorced, finally, in June of 2010. It was a marriage that never should have taken place. I'm not sure why it did. I guess because I thought I was in love. I was pregnant, but to me, that wasn't why I walked down the aisle. Jason was the one with the reservations that day. I was truly and honestly, happy. I should have taken a hint before we got married when he told my niece, Tara, in not so many words, how he wanted his cake and eat it too. Basically, he wanted to be married, and still mess around. Stupid me though, pregnant and hormonal, just wanted to do what I felt was right. And of course, I thought I loved him as well. Of course I did end up coming to my senses and although we are divorced and I am happily married a second time around, we remain great friends.

Speaking of being married a second time. . I am SO HAPPY now. Aaron and I met almost two years ago when I started working at JayC, our local grocery store. (I was actually with someone else, but we won't go there. He is crazy, and I don't wish to speak of that lunatic.) If you would have told me the day we met that I would have become his bride almost 2 years later, I would have laughed in your face. But, we got to know each other and a wonderful friendship grew. Then a little bit later, love. He is so amazing. Most of the men in my past, brought out the worst in me. Aaron brings out the best in me. He brings out the life in me. We were married on June 25th 2012. A beautiful Monday afternoon. I know, who marries on a Monday?! LOL well, we do. Because rather than spend thousands of dollars on a wedding, we just wanted to marry each other and didn't care how we did it. It wasn't important. The only thing important to us was spending the rest of our lives together. So that beautiful June afternoon, we took our vows and had our little reception at Ponderosa. I even let him talk me into a first dance to our song, "I won't give up" by Jason Mraz. One of the most romantic moments of my life :)) I grin ear to ear remembering it. SO this is my life now. A wonderful husband who would walk to the edge of the earth and back for me and a wonderful little boy who is very much in love with his mommy, and she with him. Hopefully soon, we will add another new addition to our little family. We may not have it all, but at least we have each other. It took me foreverrr to get to this place. I went through so much crap. But it was all worth it in the end.