I think a second blog of the night is in order because, well, I told the story of where we are now in my journey to become a mom of 3, but I haven't really explained where I am emotionally.
Emotionally, I am a wreck. So much so that I want to delete my Facebook until I A. Become pregnant and don't care to see all the new happy pregnancy announcements because HEY, I'm pregnant too! Or B. Come to terms with the fact that I cannot carry another child and can be 100% sincerely and truthfully happy for all these lucky women who are given the gift I so badly want for myself.
Both sound selfish. I don't care.
You know what really honestly just pisses me off to no end right now? These phrases..
- Stay Positive
- Just give up and you'll get pregnant
-Everything happens for a reason
-God has a reason for everything
-Relax
and my personal favorites..
-If it's meant to be, it'll happen
-you have two beautiful children already
All of those have been told to me by these women in their 20's who have never had to try so hard, are currently pregnant or just had a child, and just don't have a single clue what it is to go through infertility.
The other day I was introduced to a term that I didn't even know existed. That Term is Secondary Infertility.
Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.
So there you have it. But it's apparently not widely known or maybe I would have known about it.
OR
Maybe I just never thought it could happen to me so how could I know? I have taken my body for granted. I thought that since I had two kids, I could always have more. I never paid attention to infertility. I had friends going through it but I never imagined I would be going through it myself. Yes I do have two adorable, beautiful and precious children. I am aware of that and extremely thankful to God. Perhaps people think I'm being a whiny brat because, here I have two kids and I don't seem appreciative of that. I know people are thinking exactly that. But that's wrong. My two kid's are my light and my world. And if anything, this journey of infertility has made me appreciate them MORE. I may not be blessed with another baby. I may have this hole in my heart next to the two that my children have filled for the rest of my life, but I never will forget that God gave me two amazing gifts in them.
My thinking is just that I want another little human to love. I want the midnight feedings again. The skin to skin moments. The spit ups, the coo's, the little smiles, the tiny hands and tiny feet. I want a reason to put baby equipment in the house again. I want another one to watch grow. Another one to look like me, or Aaron, or a mix of us both like Lucy does. I want Lucy to experience being a big sister. And I want Zach to experience the baby stage again because I believe it's his absolute favorite time. The kid has a heart of gold for babies.
I want the insomnia from the baby kicking me from the inside. I want to feel them jump when they hiccup inside me. I want to see them on the ultrasound flopping around as they grow and watch them have less and less room from one sonogram to the next. I want the excitement of each OB visit. I want the excitement and frustration at the end when I know its time but i've only dialted 1 cm and I've been that way for weeks. Yes, I even want that irritation. I want to experience it all again because that's what I was put here to do! Be a mother. Some people are put here to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc. I was put here to carry a child, birth a child, and raise that child. AND yes even though labor and delivery sucks ass, I want to go through it all again.
Then you have these women who don't deserve babies, getting themselves knocked up and being unable to raise them. Then CPS removes the children from their care and they resume their lifestyles of drugs, alcohol, partying, WHATEVER...
Wait, I say resume as if they had ever stopped, but actually, they didn't. Which is why they're kids get taken away by the state. But it's okay to them because they can just go get knocked up by other random dudes and the cycle persists.
Then you have these other ladies who I do believe are good mamas, but like me, take their bodies for granted because they have yet, if ever, to experience this soul crushing condition. Girls in their 20s getting pregnant over and over. They even have the nerve to tell me to relax and think positive.
PISS ON YOU ALL!
God forbid this ever happen to any of you. You have no idea what i'm going though. You are currently pregnant or just had a baby. What do you know???
Anyway,
I have to get to bed. Aaron has asked me to cuddle him.
More tomorrow.
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